Right now she is perfectly wonderful.  Everything a child should be…curious, energetic, playful and adorable.  Her mother on the other hand must feel that she is demon spawn because she would not stop yelling and cursing at this poor child to the point that even the cashiers were firing out the occasional WHOA! LADY!

It started with the shocking outburst at the poor girl when mom discovered “little brat” had actually dared to OPEN the pack of candy wafers her mom gave her! Keep in mind, the child is in no way more than 2 years old. (For a while I actually thought her name was Little Brat, but I figured out later that it’s Alexa…Grandpa gave that one away) I was so flustered by the scream that came out of that woman that I instantly blurted out “Then don’t give them to her!”  but that only served to calm for about a minute…

 Her stream of insults and yelling at the girl continued only until she took a phone call ( I know) which is when she began the cursing…AND the yelling.  It was so loud and obnoxious that my son began pounding on the walls of the counter…”she’s swearing mom!”  “I know buddy, she’s not using her best manners.” Was the only reply I could come up with. 

My head was spinning from all the contradictions and commands. “Come Here!” Go Away!”  “Stay here!” “Go sit down!”  “Here, take this and shut up!”  “Don’t open that!  I haven’t paid for it!”  Oh for Pete’s SAKE lady!  I don’t even understand what you want! And I’m really trying to!!!

Then she pulled out the big guns…those ridiculous statements that turn sweet little children into whining, blaming, tattling monsters:  “Why do you make me yell at you!? I hate yelling at you!  You make me hate coming to the store.”  …Really?  That 2 year old little sweetie pie MADE YOU yell at her?  You honestly have that little control over your own mouth that you can’t shut it?  And you have no problem making her believe it’s her fault you are a lousy mom?  SERIOUSLY?  If you hate yelling at her so much, then don’t!

If I could , I’d put money on that little girl never taking accountability for any screw up in her entire life.  Drugs? ~ not my fault.  Jobless? ~ not my fault.  Failing school? ~ not my fault…oh yeah, can’t you just see it?!

You know, the thing that killed me most of all was the knowledge that if that Mom had just stopped her rant for one minute, looked at her baby girl and said “Girl, you have too much energy for me today…why don’t you go run down the isles with Grandpa until I’m done.”  I’m thinking her daughter would have been blissfully exhausted…her blood pressure would have been safely under control…and a whole lot of innocent shoppers (me included) would have applauded her for being a great parent.  Not to mention the ripple effect of what she would have modeled and created for everyone who witnessed her…especially “Little Brat”.

 But alas…I’m afraid that moment of enlightenment will have to be witnessed by someone else in a grocery store far, far away.  My only hope is that when she grows up, Little Brat has better control than her momma.  Good luck sweetie!

Ahhhh, the sounds of summer…

Really, we’re only into the second week of vacation here and its feeling like I’ve lost control already!  I tried the dry erase board with daily chores.  I tried setting up a daily schedule, making “Summer House Rules”, withholding pool and playground time for “misbehavior”, but none of that was working.  In some cases, my boys were actually rebelling against my rules and in other cases (like grounding); it just backfired because now I was stuck in the house with them! 

My husband has been doing his best to help by using “Daddy force” ~ you know, that big voice and direct command method that always gets such eager participation…but every time I would hear him bark a command or correct/announce a mistake or poor choice, I would get upset or even defensive on my kids behalf.  

I was scrambling for an answer that would help me to get my kids to do what I expected of them over the next 2.5 months…Then my darling husband did something that made everything come into perspective…he insulted me!

We both woke up early for the first time since summer break started…and he said nothing.  I sorted the laundry and put away the boy’s clothes…and he said nothing.  The boys popped out of bed an hour early and came in to our room to spend time with us…and he said nothing.  Then Max mentioned he was still sleepy…and Dad spoke;  “Then it’s a good thing your going to bed an hour early tonight because of the way you acted last night, huh?!”…and Max and Alex got angry.  Then he started reading a book about healthy eating and spoke again.  He told me that the stuff I buy is on the “NOT that” part of the list (I had changed my buying habits about a month ago bonehead, thanks for noticing)…and I got angry.  Finally, before he walked out the door, he asked for the things he wanted us to do “for him” today.  HA!  Let’s just say that dad had not created an attitude of servitude within his family so far and we were NOT enthusiastic about granting his wishes today.

THEN it HIT me!  THAT’S IT!  An attitude of servitude has to be EARNED not demanded.  If we want our children to joyfully carry out our every request, we have to put as much energy into acknowledging what they do RIGHT as we do pointing out what they do wrong!  I realized right then, that I had been seeing every blunder, mistake or failure as an “opportunity for learning” so I would stop them and call out the misbehavior and either scold them for it or lecture them on how to do it better or “my way” next time.  But I can’t tell you that I took the same amount of time pointing out or thanking them for doing stuff correctly or independently…and THAT is where I was failing.

Now of course, I had to share my revelation with my husband who immediately identified that as “calling out his misbehavior”  but he’s just a smart alec so I let him slide…but he did see where I was going and I think he agreed with me.  As far as the kudos discipline method, it’s been successfully deployed and I have been seeing tremendous results from my kids.  Honestly…it’s making ME feel better too because I am doing what I do best; focusing on and bringing more of the good stuff into my space!

The To-Do list has turned into a “Goals” list and we are having a lot more fun putting up stars and check marks rather than frowny faces and negative TV/allowance/bedtimes.  The best part is that my kids have started to thank ME for doing stuff for THEM!  I even got a kiss on the cheek today for putting an extra $3.00 in the pool bag…

…I wonder what I’ll get for mowing the lawn )

Have a playful day!

My parents were 2 very different people (which is why they divorced when I was 2). My Dad was a passive, laid back, non-confrontational guy who believed in “the silent treatment” as a main form of discipline. My mom was a waitress, a yeller and a hard ass who believed any bad behavior could be smacked out of a child and that talking was a waste of time.

I grew up learning 2 completely different ways of discipline and because of that, I made the decision at a very young age that I would never, ever hit my own children.

Fast forward to my late 30’s when I learned that I have ADD…so does my Dad…which explained a lot for me…the disorganization, the random behavior, the dazing off and lack of focus, and more importantly, my Dad’s understanding and patience with it all…it was beginning to make sense.

Around the same time as my diagnoses, we began to notice some really concerning issues with my youngest son Alex. He was destructive and demanding, he would run away from us whenever things got too loud or too chaotic, he was socially backward in that he would say or do inappropriate, embarrassing things in public or at pre-school, he would talk back and throw tantrums over simple conflicts…and we were beyond frustrated. In desperation, we took him to a psychologist where he was diagnosed with PDD NOS and later on with Asperger’s Syndrome. Neither of which we understood. All we knew was that we had no control over or cure for it. The best we could provide was our understanding and acceptance…and the overwhelming relief that we had made the decision so long ago to not use corporal punishment.

Once I began to advocate for my son and work more closely with these children, parents and specialists, I became really good at seeing the fine line between controllable and uncontrollable “naughtiness”. I also became sadder and sadder for those children whose parents were blinded by frustration and kept trying to discipline their disorders out of them. You see, kids with behavioral/psychological issues like ADD, ADHD, Autism, PDD and so on…usually appear to be perfectly normal kids who are just really, really BAD! Their symptoms are not visible to people who don’t know about or aren’t affected by the disorder…or who are quite honestly, in denial…

I have many friends and acquaintances that simply refuse to have their child evaluated. Some have even had recommendations from pediatricians and school counselors, yet they remain steadfast in their “NOT MY CHILD!” stand and prefer to resort to all attempts at discipline (including spanking) to correct the behavior rather than even entertain the thought of their child’s behavior being beyond his or her control. I liken it to punishing an Alzheimer’s patient for forgetting to take their meds, a starving man for raiding the refrigerator or an infant for not picking up their toys…if the behavior is based on an overwhelming need, a basic deficiency or a complete and total inability to comply, no amount of hitting or punishment will work.

Don’t misunderstand, I and many others have found very effective ways of working with and guiding our children to appropriate, desired behaviors. And I can assure you, you can see results. But first, we as parents & caregivers must be willing to accept these basic facts:
• Not all naughty children are bad…some are really confused, scared and hurting.
• All children want to be accepted, loved and understood.
• Children are not born vindictive, they do not set out to make us mad or break our rules. Sometimes we just have the wrong rules.
• No one will “blame you” if your child has Autism, ADD, ADHD, PDD or anything like it…they will only blame you for ignoring it.
• Regardless of what Mom and Dad and Grandma and Grandpa raised us to believe…you can NOT beat it out of them.

What it boils down to is this: Discipline is something we do FOR our children, not TO them…If you truly love your child and are willing to try all levels of discipline to get the results you desire, then you should have no problem looking into alternatives that involve the title “special needs”. If on the other hand, you feel that all this “special needs” stuff is hogwash and the only thing that works is a good spanking…then quite honestly, the behavioral problem is with you, not your child.

So for the last couple of months, everytime I would crack a beer or sit back with a glass of wine, I’d start to think to myself “Is it too early in the day? Am I stressed? Is this ok? Could I be…?”

WELL! Let me tell you something! Today, I put that question to bed!

Here’s what happened: By now, the whole world knows that my son Alex has Aspergers, right? And I and about a million other people can tell you that this particular diagnoses can lead to a rainbow of colorful, unexpected, unexplainable, infuriating and embarrassing situations of which we as parents and caregivers of these spirited individuals get to “work through”.
Today, I believe I’ve seen all of them!

No really…I honestly think he saved up the very best scenarios he could create over the last 9 years and unloaded every one of them on the world TODAY! And to make it all so much more bareable…every person who has authority over him (other than me) has apparently developed amnesia and couldn’t recall Alex having anything other than an attitude and behavior problem!

Over the period of 24 hours, I have been sworn at, screamed at, insulted, ignored, belittled, embarrassed and walked away from. And that’s just since 3:45! I won’t even go into the stuff that happened before that.

But here’s the thing…because I was able to stop, breathe, listen, empathize and remain in control; I was also hugged, heard, understood, respected, laughed with and apologized to. And at the end of the day…after we brushed our teeth and I tucked them into bed, we took 3 deep breaths and left all the bad stuff go so we could focus on a new, clean tomorrow.

…then I went to my room and cried, and now I have a tension headache that could take down a horse

…but what I learned is: I’m not perfect and neither are my kids. Yelling and screaming does NOT pursuade an angry child to get off the jungle gym. It’s not possible to get angry “right”. Kids need a break too and if I had tried to push the unrealistic goal of “perfection” on either of us, we’d only have ulcers and anxiety attacks to show for it.

So I let go of that need for total control, picked my battles, remained the adult and put my boys to bed happy and peaceful.

And the biggest win is, I didn’t have 1 drink all day! So besides being a the best Mom I am capable of being today…I am officially NOT an alcoholic!

Here’s to YOU if you screwed something up today and walked away smiling and having learned something! I’m proud of you!

Cheers!

If you’ve ever spent a day at an amusement park, you have probably seen the families with literally CARGO LOADS of supplies trying to decide who will sit off the rides to guard the stash while the others wait in 2 hour lines for a 40 second thrill.

The guardian is typically a grandparent or mom!

Yes, I am the Mom…but I also have ADD, am a total thrill seeker and am completely opposed to being a pack mule, therefore standing around holding the “bag” is not my thing…SOOOO, I conveniently left the 12 ton backpack filled with water, snacks, band aids, Tylenol, coloring books, card games, sun block, umbrellas, ponchos (and apparently a sink and a small dog by the weight of the thing) sitting in the rental car.

It was about 2 hours into the day before anyone even realized it was missing and that is only because my son asked who would stay off the roller coaster to hold the stash. I replied “OH NO! I left it in the car! OOPS!” and panic set in only until they realized my husband and I had our wallets so we weren’t going to starve to death.

We agreed that anything we purchased had to be consumed in the park because “if you buy it you carry it”, so that eliminated the desire for cheesy souvenirs which are either lost or broken before they arrive home anyway and long story short (ok…abbreviated) we all survived!

We managed to find water when we needed it…there were bathrooms with soap that allowed us to clean up before we ate anything…and there was food! We sang songs and made up games to play while we waited in lines and we actually TALKED to people and each other instead of burying our faces in games or cell phones. If we needed a band aid or pain relief, there were first aid booths and stores…but no one did, so we were good. But most importantly, we realized that the stress relief, relaxation and creativity that came from “simply simplifying” was worth way more than the money we “saved” by carting all the comforts of home with us on our adventures.

Our family has learned quite a bit from that one day and I will be retiring the back pack for our future adventures (unless I’m planning to hike deserted territories…and then I’ll make sure my husband is willing to be the pack mule )

Have a playful day!

I can recall the days before cell phones and e-mail (and I’m NOT that old!) The good ole days when students communicated by passing notes in class. We used this method very effectively to expose crushes, make after school plans, talk crap on our teachers and pick fights. We lived in complete fear of that note being “caught” by our teachers because when it was…it was read aloud in front of the entire class thereby teaching us a lesson in acceptable language & behavior by public humiliation. Texting is the younger generations “note passing”, but heaven forbid a teacher try to confiscate that phone or read a text aloud in front of the class today! OMG! That teacher would be suspended or worse and that student’s “rights” would be defended to the n’th degree.
The only people communicating would be police, attorneys and the media who all tell us the stories but offer no solutions to the problem. And the student would bare NO BLAME in any of it.

In the “Old days” back in the ‘80’s…kids were kids. We Left the house at the break of dawn on our bikes and didn’t return until the street lights came on. While we were out, we played, we swore like sailors, we got into trouble, we fought with people, we created drama and we had a blast. At school, we arrived as early as we wanted too depending on how much we wanted to talk. If we missed the bus, we walked. We picked our friends at lunch and guarded “our table” like a pack of dogs. We decided who we wanted to play with and who we didn’t. We played tag and dodge ball at recess and kids got hurt (and survived) and when we screwed up, we got sent to the Principal and we were punished…BY THE PRINCIPAL! We even served detention on a Saturday regardless of our families “plans”.

I know many of you are cringing at the thought of all of this and saying “things are harder and tougher and scarier now”, but here’s the thing…life is harder for our kids because we are making it harder FOR THEM! As a society, we have begun to shelter and micromanage our children to the point that they are growing up with No accountability, No emotional intelligence, No responsibility, No fear of failure, No ability to safely express anger and most importantly, No desire to acquire any those skills.

We tell our children from infancy who they will play with, what they will play with, how long is “a normal” amount of time to play with it, how they should play with it, and then we tell them it’s NOT OK to get mad when something goes wrong or when they disagree with one of the rules we have created for them.

We teach them that they shouldn’t get mad when a child hits them, breaks their stuff or takes something from them. We don’t let them express their anger when they are furious with us or something else, because that makes us feel bad and then as they get older, we tell them they are not allowed to talk back or argue or get mad at us or their teachers…EVER!

By forcing them to suppress their anger instead of teaching them how to express it properly, we’re raising a generation of woosies who can’t handle being made to “feel bad”. Then, one day when all the hormones and the anger have built up…someone says something or does something that pushes that last button and like an over-inflated balloon, under the pressure of it all and with no knowledge of how to release it, they explode…and we don’t understand.

We are so worried about scaring them that we keep them weak and weak things eventually break.

Scars don’t have to be painful or therapy worthy, but they can be lessons and they do build strength. The scar on my hand taught me not to poke a dog while he’s eating. The scar in my heart from losing my brother Jesse taught me to always say “I love you” because you never know when you won’t have that chance again. The scars from my childhood taught me that people don’t like to be called names, teachers can fail you just for being disrespectful, kids don’t play with you if you’re mean and parents screw up too…but they still love you.

What it all boils down too is this: Times are getting scary & kids are losing control, but it’s not technology’s fault. It may not even be a total lack of communication. Perhaps it’s the lack of the RIGHT communication…The communication that teaches them that it IS okay to get angry, screw up, get caught, learn a lesson and feel bad…and here’s the right way to let that all out ~ because it’s all part of growing up and it’s all good.

I used to believe that everything was someone else’s fault…that if something went wrong, I could easily find someone to blame to take the “fault” off of myself thereby making the situation better.  But the funniest thing kept happening, I kept making mistakes.  I also kept blaming other people for those mistakes and oddly, I never felt any better or felt that I had learned anything from a single one of those mistakes!

People would say to me” you keep making the same mistakes over and over again…when will you ever learn?”  which made me feel even worse and so I would try to find MORE people or situations to blame!

I remember one of the times I got most upset was when I was having a discussion with my husband.  I was trying to be rational with him because that’s what my therapist had told me to do, so I said to him” that really makes me feel hurt and angry when you bring up things that happened so long ago.”

I’m sure he must have been watching Oprah because his response to me was “I don’t make you angry…you make yourself angry!  No one can make you angry unless you let them.”

WELL! That made me REALLY angry! How could he even suggest that someone else’s actions couldn’t make me angry? I have no control over how people treat me…or what they do to me…so how can I stop them from making me angry?

I lived with that belief for nearly 2 years until I went to a conference where I heard 2 of my mentors speak on exactly how I can make absolutely sure that no one or nothing else will ever again make me angry.

What they said was “the secret lies in me”. 

In their own unique way, they taught me that I am in control of everything in my world.   I am in control of my thoughts, my beliefs & my actions and as a result, I am in control of my reactions (good or bad) therefore, I determine who or what will make me angry…or not.

Once that idea sunk into my head and I began to look back on the things I considered failures, bad choices or mistakes in my life and I began to see very clearly how I could have so easily changed those failures into successes by the way I reacted to them.  By reflecting back on them and envisioning them turning out the way I would have loved for them to play out it became clear to me that I am responsible for creating my own results.

It’s kind of like a coach reviewing the playback with his team and pointing out were they went wrong and then brainstorming to figure out how to do it better or differently the next time.

Every person on the planet makes mistakes from the time we’re born until the day we pass on.  Life is not about trying to live “mess free”.  It’s about allowing messes to happen, finding the beauty in them and then cleaning them up joyfully knowing we are better for the lesson.

It’s kind of funny, but my best example of how my reactions can change my outcome was taught to me by my 2 dogs Buddy and Kenai.

Buddy & Kenai are brothers and we have had them since they were babies. They have always loved being outside with us, running as fast as they can around our yard and occasionally heading into the neighbor’s yards to visit their doggie friends.

When they were little, we kept them by our sides on a leash while they played and they were under control.   As they grew, we allowed them to be off the leash because they were too fast and we were too lazy to run around everywhere with them.

One day, Buddy and Kenai ran out of our yard as fast as they could to find where the delicious hamburger smells were coming from…ironically at the “Berger’s” house nearly a block away.   We looked for them for over an hour!   By the time we found them, we were tired and frustrated and our voices hurt from yelling their names.  We were angry.  We scolded them and took them home and put them in their kennel.

We had assumed they learned their lesson, so the next time we took them out to play, we didn’t put them on a leash…and again, they ran away!   We yelled their names and chased them into the same yard that had contained the yummy picnic and nice people the week before.   And again, we scolded them and took them home and put them in their kennel!

This continued week after week until finally it became a daily occurrence…let them out to go potty…they run away!

I didn’t understand, the louder I yelled and the angrier I got, the more they would disobey me!    The truly frustrating part is that I had been a Veterinary Technician and a Pet groomer for 13 years!  know this stuff!  I am their Alpha dog…their Mom; they should respect and listen to me, right?!   But it took the words of wisdom from my little sister the dog trainer to help me see my mistake (yes, I know you caught this a while back didn’t you?!)

The problem was not in my dog’s behavior, it was my RESPONSE to their behavior that was causing the issue.   By yelling and demanding their attention and then punishing them for finally coming to me, I was making coming back to me a really unpleasant experience.   My dog’s had chosen to run away and suffer the consequences rather than come to me when called!  

When I stopped and looked back on how I could have changed the outcome, I realized that by simply praising them for coming to me when I called them in the first instance, or taking a leash and some treats with me and making going home fun, I could have started a completely different chain of events that would have made my dog’s LOVE staying in the yard with me and coming to me when I call them.

My Dog’s didn’t set out to make me angry…I chose to react with anger!

By changing my reaction to the situation, I have changed the results.

Now, I tell my puppies, “let’s go play and get treats!”   They run like nut balls around the yard, I reward them with a treat when they come to me when I call and they don’t run away.

My reactions, my choice, my results.

This week, when you write in your journal, think of something you did or something that happened each day that you are unhappy with the results. Then journal how you could have done it differently to get the results you would be happy with.   Don’t focus on the mistakes, they are in the past and cannot be changed…but the future and the lessons are your gifts!  Make them as bright and beautiful as you dream them to be.

Have a playful day!

This article is based on a journal exercise from the book:  Stop Raising Einstein; Discover the Unique Brilliance in Your Child…and You! 

As I stand there in my wash room looking at the mountain of laundry I have affectionately named Mt. Sweaterest, I hear the old cliché playing in my head:

“The Peddler’s children have no shoes.” And I begin to feel the guilt set in…

As a Dream Coach®, I spend much of my time coaching people through the concept of “cleaning up their incompletes” so they can truly live their life with integrity (one of the building blocks of achieving one’s dream life). So I am feeling like a bit of a hypocrite at the moment.

I try to escape to my office to find solace and all I can see are mounds of papers to be filed, bills to be paid, taxes to be completed and stuff to be tossed out.

I go to my comfy mediation spot in my room only to discover piles of presents left over from Christmas that are still in need of a home, stacks of socks that need sorting , clothes that need to be put away and pictures that were never displayed…

I plop down on the floor, sink my head in my hands and ask “How in the WORLD am I going to be able to live the life of my dreams if I can’t even complete a load of laundry? This is too much! I’ve let it go too far and now I’ll never be able to get all of this done…What am I supposed to do?

I sit quietly and just breathe for a moment…and listen…

Through the silence I hear: “You can’t finish if you don’t start.” “One load at a time.”

It sounds funny, almost too good to be true, but I’ve heard those simple statements before and they have always served me well; simply because they mean something to ME and as a woman blessed with ADD, it’s the one “single” thing going on in my head that I can act on!

I grab 2 empty wash baskets and head to the washroom. All the dark stuff I pull out of the mountain goes in the washer…the white stuff goes in the basket…and Mt. Sweaterest gets a bit smaller…

While the laundry is swishing away, I head to my office. The timer on the washer gives me 40 minutes to go through as much stuff on my desk as possible and either complete it, file it or throw it away. (The computer stays off for now) …then the buzzer goes off.

Swap the wash…head back to the office for some more OHIO (Only Handle It Once) therapy. 40 minutes later, I take my first load of laundry up to my room where I fold it, and sort it by owner…then I put the clean clothes in a basket along with any Christmas presents that belong to that person and I stick a note on each one that says

“Please put these things away unless you want them to be donated to someone less fortunate…either way, git ‘er done today.” Love, Mom.

I call my boys up to my room and I hand them each their basket. “This should take about 30 minutes, and then we’ll head out to play in the snow.”

Once they leave my room, I sit down on the floor, sink my head back into my hands and say “Thank you”…

Thank you for the guidance…thank you for the focus…thank you for the blessings that allowed me accumulate so much to begin with, and thank you for the knowledge that with patience, intention & integrity, it will all get cleaned up…one load at a time.

Have a playful day!

Some of the ideas and tips they discussed made me really angry.  You see, I was in a place that I had  come to believe that my husband was out to get me, that I could never be right, that he was much more intelligent than me, and that I never had a chance at an intellectual conversation,  much less a win. 

One of the techniques they were taught at this conference was to Stop wait 30 seconds before you say anything when you are in a conversation with a man.  It was kind of funny because what was said made no sense and seemed almost impossible to me.  I couldn’t imagine sitting quiet for that long…I am a natural born talker.   But what was suggested was when you are having a conversation with any man. After they say the last word say nothing and count to 30 in your head. Guaranteed during that time the quiet will become so uncomfortable they won’t be able to stand it and that they will start talking again to break the silence. Once they stop again, start counting again. It seemed impossible because I knew I couldn’t say nothing for that long…and my husband could go on forever …he loves to talk and I knew this would be torture for me!  I was constantly fighting to get the last word in, or any word in for that matter…

But I thought to myself, this could be kind of funny so I decided to give it a try on my phone call that night with my husband.  The previous night’s phone calls had served to send me into the classroom the following days in tears because I would be so worked up over a fight that we had or something he said that I allowed to hurt my feelings.  But this night, Chris would talk and when he would finish I would start to count to 30. 

I didn’t say anything, he laughed. (I thought this was kind of cool.) What are you doing?  He asked.  Just listening, I said.  “REALLY!”  He didn’t know what to say.  He started talking again…when he finished I would count (to myself) and he would continue talking.

 This went on for quite a while.  Eventually, new topics started to come up…opinions, emotions, feelings I hadn’t heard before.  I had yet to say anything in this conversation.   I noticed quickly that his tone grew softer as he talked…perhaps because he wasn’t feeling he had to defend himself?  It wasn’t the usual you did this and I hate that…that was our regular game…but more “I feel this and I would appreciate that.”  It was truly inspiring.  I realized there was something to this…

That weekend when I arrived home from my training, we went through our usual “tackle mom at the waist” reunion…but something seemed off with my youngest, Alex.

I walked into his room to find out what was up and he immediately went into melt down mode.  He began screaming & yelling, “You’re the worst mother ever and I hate you”!  In the past I would have probably barked at him something like.  “How dare you be so nasty to me after I’ve been away from you for so long!  It’s not ok to treat me this way!  You can stay here in your room until you calm down!” 

But the new, enlightened me had a better idea…I would get down on his level and just listen to him and count.  After each outburst ended,  I would say nothing and count in my head 1-2-3…” what are you doing?” He yelled.   “I’m listening to you” I replied…he giggled…he didn’t say anything.  I counted…His shoulders dropped and his face lightened. 

“You’re really listening to me?”

Yes Alex, why wouldn’t I listen to you?

“Because no one ever listens to me.” 

My heart broke.  I realized in a moment that all those years of screaming and temper tantrums were simply because little Alex, the smallest of 4 in our household, the baby, who was carried until 14 months old, was screaming because he was the one who was often NEVER heard.  He didn’t have an opinion, because babies don’t.  Normally what he said was childish and immature so his brother & his friends dismissed him…my husband and I had much more intellectual discussions…who would do the dishes, laundry, drive the kids to school, what’s for dinner…we didn’t have time to listen to Alex’s opinion…so he began to yell and scream to be the voice heard above the crowd. 

At that point a dynamic shift was made in our family.  We agreed that we wouldn’t interrupt, we would take turns.  We wouldn’t wait 30 seconds, but we would count to three. We would give each person equal time to talk.  Some families use a talking stick, I think that could be kind of fun…but would quickly become a joke for my guys…so instead,  we set a deal, to count to 3, take turns, to respect each other’s opinions and allow them to be heard.

We have been using this practice for nearly a year now.  People that know us can’t believe the difference in the way we talk to each other.  It’s actually become easier to be around my family!  Alex doesn’t yell anymore because if he starts to get fired up…we simply say to him, “Alex, you know I care about what you have to say and you will have your turn…hold onto your thoughts until I’m done and we will hear you.”  Sometimes all it takes is simply “Max is talking right now.” Or “let me finish my thought please.”  One of my favorite moments was hearing Alex tell Chris “Daddy, could you hold that thought for a minute please.” When Chris tried to interrupt a very important and detailed description of music class!   But no matter how you slice it, if there is too much yelling going on, maybe it’s time to look at the person doing most of the yelling…and just listen to them.

This week, take turns using respectful communication (count to 3 in your head after someone’s last word before you begin to speak.)  If someone interrupts you, patiently remind them that “we do not interrupt” and ask them to allow you to finish your statement before they talk.  In the beginning, it may be necessary to remind them that they will have a turn to talk and you will listen to them until they are finished…the most important key here is to follow through and hold up your agreement.  

Have a playful day!

This article is the second in a series of “Stop Raising Einstein” articles which are taken from the book of the same title published in November, 2009 .

What delightful conversations we have with our families these days.

When I ask why there is so little time for valuable conversation and family time, I usually hear the excuse “life is just crazy right now”.  Families have so few opportunities to really TALK and many of our exchanges happen while we are running (or shoving someone) out the door right around dinnertime.  And if we are able to catch a meal  together,  we are constantly reminding each other to “stop talking and just EAT!”

And we wonder where the breakdown in communication is coming from?

Well…this morning I was given somewhat of a gift.

Just out of pure coincidence, my boys popped out of bed about a half an hour earlier than normal. They both took showers (I KNOW! RIGHT?!) and were downstairs more than 45 minutes before they had to leave for school! I don’t know what happened to make them jumpstart their day, but I can tell you what happened as a result…

Max took the time to dry and fold his own laundry…we had a fantastic breakfast that did NOT come out of a box…we sat together and talked about our plans for the day…we set goals…we stumbled upon a really great conversation about the power of positive thinking…We laughed, a lot!…Alex cleaned up our dishes…Max fed the birds…we made sure we had all our stuff together before we walked out the door and we did it all without once raising our voices or choking on our food!

Now I know that sounds rather “leave-it-to-beaver-ish” but in all honesty, it was the most wonderful start to a day we’ve had since summer vacation.

Having that time together made us all feel more relaxed and connected and it determined the entire mood for the rest of the day. But the most amazing thing is…it only required 30 minutes of our time. Time we would have otherwise spent over-sleeping anyway.

Yes, life is crazy for most people, and dinner together isn’t always an option when you have 2 kids in school & sports and 2 parents on unique work schedules…

But the truth is we are all blessed with the exact same 1440 minutes every day. True, there are no roll-overs, but there is a golden opportunity waiting for each of us every single morning if we would be willing to simply set that alarm 30 minutes earlier and make it a rule that “At Breakfast, we talk with our mouths full.”

Have a playful day!